the layers around our true self

Protection mechanisms. We all have them, but not many of us humans are aware of them. You can imagine yourself like a Russian doll. In the middle is your true soul – pure, full of love and only the best intentions for yourself and others. Then there is some kind of hurt, betrayal or even trauma in our lives, and every time that happens, we wrap ourselves up in a protective layer. We were not able to bear the pain at that moment, whatever that pain might be for you individually. Because in our society, we don’t learn to endure painful emotions. We usually learn to cover up difficult emotions, distract ourselves from them, and thus cut them off permanently. That’s why many people are not even able to admit that their behavior is a projection of pain into the world. So we carry a lot of layers of protection around us. And often, when we realize that a behavior was inappropriate, other layers like shame, guilt, self-loathing, or sadness built around.

In the last few days, I’ve realized that I’ve had a big layer of protection built up around me since I was a kid. I don’t let people get too close to me. I always want to be in control of how my relationships are, how I appear to others and I run away from situations where I start to lose control over this. For example, when I am with a bigger group of people, and some of them are important to me. When I sense the feeling that I am being missed out, I (sometimes literally) get out of the situation. And instead of opening up and being honest, I push them away, totally living the victim role. That happens because of certain trauma in my life – to explain this in more detail would go beyond the scope here. But I wanted to share this to show vulnerability. To start opening up right here.

This protection mechanism has grown a lot because of the things that have happened on Earth in the last few years. I have cut myself off from real intimacy with other people. Deep down, I long for true connection and pure love with others, but I only let it happen up to a certain point. When I’m in a good mood and there’s nothing on the outside to cause me some kind of pain, I can sometimes open up. But as soon as I feel pain, I close up again. Before C, it just happened when I got hurt from these people (if it was real or because of my trauma). Now it also happens when I feel the pain of the world.

Then I push away the people I love. Sometimes I project my pain and e.g. judge their behavior. Sometimes I can get pretty mean and grumpy. Or I just don’t open up at all, being emotionally far away and not being able to connect. I’m very reflective, so I always know it’s wrong. But I can’t help myself in these situations. I always feel so guilty, ashamed, and even angry afterwards.

But yesterday I had a breakthrough and I wanted to share it.

(continued in “how to unwrap all the layers”)